They say, “It gets easier.”
They say, “Time heals all wounds.”
Does it? Not for me.
It has been 32 Mother’s Days, and it feels the same each and every one of them. It hurts. Instead of remembering the days we shared and celebrated, I focus on what I’ve missed. She didn’t see me graduate college, find my dream job (what she would like the most since she had an UNPARALELLED work ethic) get married, and give birth to 2 amazing daughters. These are only grandchildren she would ever have, as I am an only child.
They (really, who the F ARE they anyway?!) call them triggers. Something you see or hear that causes you to instantly go back to a moment that impacted you either in a positive or negative way. It’s starts right after Easter; ALL Mother’s Day – ALL the time. You see it in TV Commercials, social media ads, and every retail store. The smiles and songs, hugs from kids and grandkids, and all the loving sentiments. Not to sound dramatic, (cue the music) but it’s a real punch to the gut.
I have been blessed with 2 amazing daughters, and I’m incredibly happy to celebrate this day with them each year. Tea in bed, cards and gifts, all picked out with love – how lucky am I? But when the gifts are opened and the fun dies down, I find myself starting to feel hollow and think of my mom. What would today be like if she were here? Would we be at our house or hers? Take-out or brunch? We didn’t go out very much when I was younger, with the exception of the special birthday dinner (at which I ordered a cheeseburger every time.) I would LOVE more than anything right now to treat her to a huge lobster and a high ball 😊
So, am I destined to feel both emotions at once? I think so.
I absolutely LOVE being a mom and would not trade it for the world. To be honest, I wished I had done it sooner. Now, I’m not here to speak for everyone who has lost a mother, but when someone says, “Happy Mother’s Day” it’s okay to let yourself feel love and loss.
This is beautiful, Kath. Thanks for sharing. I am always so sorry for your loss.
I love you and know what a great Mom you are! I loved your mom too. I know she would be proud of you but remember there are so many of us who are proud of you now!